Rose-Lavender

UNTITLED #012012

2012-02-03T09:10:00.000+08:00

I was just sitting at the corner of the living room, closer to the window and staring at the empty street across the open field. It was a sight fron the 8th floor of the apartment. My Home. I didnt drink the hot coffee i made, and i let the TV on but not watching it. Somehow, i found i had the greatest view, here from my living room.

It’s been a while, I found that i have lost most of my strenght and passion of having a good life. I started to hate my job, and begin to ignore what’s happening around me. I don’t care about taking a healthy food and I don’t jog . I had a sleepless night and wake up with tears in my eyes. Its sound pathetic, yes I know, but that is the kind of life I’m having now. It is hard to find another road to further my journey...

Even when i thought that there’s something in me, i couldn’t let go, and always brought trouble in life. This fucking ego I couldn’t bare with. It spreads like a malicious virus.

I look at every photo... Somehow I know it just wasn't the same as what I have had before.

16 DAYS PAST 2011

2012-01-16T00:05:00.000+08:00

Oh…. It is 2012 now. 16 days due to be exact. I caught in busy business for quite a long week. Ahhaahh, neither I have ventured a new business nor I got a new job. It is still the same job only with some extra work. Yes, it is a definite boring yet, challenging to debate about. I love my job but I just hate my boss. There you go… my confession, in public.

Many things in 2011 seem not easy to cut it to short scenes that portray the whole drama of my own life. If I can just recall, I might need to flip back to my previous post on my facebook wall, but it quiet unreal. And so, I don’t know if I got much strength to make an inception. Guess that my memories fade as I was aging to 30. (almost to 30).

Good things happened in the past year… nothing beats the good days happened in June. Me and jeed got married, and all the family gathered together. I got new family and I have been spoiled quiet a charm! Who said that having a “new” family is a nightmare? Mine is the blast one… Traveled to another country for the first time and hold a koala which I usually watch it on TV. My sister got pregnant, and mom will be having a grandchild soon.

The bad news… I lost my uncle! Cik lin has passed away for an unknown disease. It will be another long story to tell about him who has been the favorite uncle ever… Yes, I won’t forget every details of how he had pampered me when I was a child. He had completed my childhood years with joy and laughter. Al-fatihah…

So… what’s new thing in 2012? So many I hope! And yes, I hope I can be a MOM. Lets pray…

EAT PRAY LOVE

2011-12-27T11:09:00.001+08:00

I admit, I haven’t written for quite a long time. I admit, I have no interest of writing a “script” anymore. I admit I have lost a sense of “touch” in my writing. I admit… I am not really a good writer.

It is a complete 6 months me being a wife… to be exact the same date with Christmas day few days ago. And I just realized it today… *Awwww*. Do I have not enough space to spare for my extra memories? 6 months of nothing to be disappointed of… Even when they said, sometimes it last in love, and most of the times it hurts instead, but the 6 months of me and him …and hoping for the more years ahead… we never speak about hurts / sorrow… it should be more good news ahead.

EAT PRAY LOVE

A TRIP TO OZ

2011-11-30T09:32:00.001+08:00

Let pictures tell the stories...

SILENT TREATMENT

2011-11-20T09:01:00.001+08:00

By the time I was writing this and it was two hours before i go... he was there... full of focus connected to the net, and didn't say a thing.

I hope time can stop, and so i can kiss him a goodbye without he knowing it... rather than he pretend he doesn't care.

THE BLACK AND WHITE TWENTY

2011-11-17T08:18:00.001+08:00

It’s a cliché to write about your favorite artist or movies when all you say nothing given much to the listener, as they said… they only could listen more to Anuar zain / Justin Bieber.

But my attention on 90s favorite rock band is not just a cliché interest to brag about. Pearl Jam is not something to joke about, especially when you have grown up listening to their music and watching their performance. It is not just about the poetic lyrics they wrote, they bring the real rock genre to our ear. Who could ever thought of writing something to ponder in a very mannered way when everyone else sick and crazy talking about love and hates? Maybe some of us didn’t realize that if we didn’t get a chance to justify the thought, there will be another way of spreading to other… by songs. And yes, they have obviously took a chance to steal the stage and telling other what we have missed, what we can do, how can we fight and what’s to avoid the whole tragedy…

YES!... we live in a world full of tragedy. Woman and kids abandoned, some of them live with lack of foods. Discrimination happened, War yet to be ended, Homeless people, Dying animals and trees with less chance of getting old… and Yes, we always forget that small little thing happened around us.

I went to the MPH store to get the Pearl Jam Twenty, and the stock is yet to be released here in Malaysia! :( I wish i can get one with their signature and the 2nd page of the book!

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY... SO WHATS THE DIFFERENT WITH 11.11.11 ?

2011-11-11T17:24:00.001+08:00

What else can a person like me should do to pretend I didn’t have a single problem to cry for. It happened, day after day. There’ll must be a single error that appeared to be the massive sin ever. And what should I do? To make it better? Ohhh I just make it worst every another day.

Maybe this is the cause of not yet having the moment to have babies of my own. From what I have seen, I cannot even manage myself and my everyday routine has been hectic than ever. Or maybe this is what they call Karma? I finally got what I should have in return after doing the don’ts as what mom always said. But whom am I to make it right, when every single thing that I said causing hates and everything that I have done are seem quite imperfection.

Sometimes, it make easy to forgive but not easy to forget. And as long I can remember, demn I try hard to not making a single sigh after a hard day. When I get back from work, doing the laundry, cooking, ironing… making me busy with lots of thing, funny to realize I forget that I have been so freaking tired before. I can do everything in blink of time. And when I lay on bed… on that comfy bed with fluffy comforter wrapping my body, YA ALLAH that was the best moment I finally can take a long good relief. Even just for 5 hours… a day.

Maybe I do it all because I like what I am doing. Like I love to sew clothes even I don’t know exactly the proper way of doing it. I Love to cook even sometimes people didn’t appreciate it well. I like doing it all without anyone asking me to do it. There’ll be the time when I definitely going to do it, just when till I got ready with all the strength. Once I started, I’m sure to finish it well.

So, why bother about being tired all day, with office workloads and chores around the house? The routine won’t just stop not until we died. We cannot blame the bosses for being so freaking bossy. We cannot blame the “system” for making everything inflexible and the lame procedures.

We are human, if we cannot make something right… anyone else can and they’ll win. We cannot be a good leader if we’re afraid to make changes. Our kids will suffer the consequences. Kepimpinan melalui teladan, remember? So I have no choice but to be brave, tough and less sensitive!

LUNCH BREAK

2011-10-21T09:35:00.001+08:00

It started at 10am (at least), I begin to chat with my colleague who happened to be 10 meters from my room. We discussed about where to eat, and what’s for lunch. Yes, it has become a habit every day. We spend almost half of the day thinking about the best place to get our lunch and what other extra activities we might end up with.Usually, we took more than hour just to finish our lunch (it’s including to wonder around where to go, find a parking, and chatting), and it is rare to find us back to office on time.

But today was different! And yes today is the day of the entire government servant (especially in putrajaya) got their paid, and so, Alamanda should always been crowded with people. I went out with Rina as she has reminded me we must get back to office not later than 2. I must say, she is one of those quite follow-the-rules staff indeed, like it or not, I must respect her warning that I must also be true with time.

So! Today,…..

Rina and I arrived at Alamanda at 1:05 PM, we entered the basement and parked at the Basement 2, then proceed to Chicken Rice Shop. The restaurant was not full with people but they have only 4 waiters to serve us. Not to waste our time, while waiting for our dishes to be served, I decided to go the ATM machine and only to find a longgggggggg queue to sneak in. I had no choice but to be among of them to draw some money. Then there’s one lady spent more time than she should be, organizing her wallet at that very spot of that ATM Machine, and cause and extra time of waiting for us at the back row.

After 10 minutes, I ran back to the restaurant and begin to eat like a rabbit. I swear, I might looks ugly and even uglier when I started making conversation with all the gestures while eating with Rina. After 15 minutes, we paid our lunch and Rina got 50% off when the cashier guy mistakenly punches the amount where the government servant should only get 10% discount instead. Then we rushed to do some groceries and we took 20 minutes to complete it. Then we had the remaining 5 minutes to buy an ice cream at McDonald with extra topping some more!Yes we manage to do all that in complete 1 hour and reached office sharp at 2pm.

That was a huge achievement for someone who always had more than ½ an hour extra time for a lunch break. I proud with myself.

GIVE AND TAKE

2011-10-18T17:16:00.001+08:00

Everyone always say “I’m not perfect” when they have failed to argue or defend themselves. So do I! Maybe I have just in the beginning of giving up defending myself for something I still must need to be criticized. And when I just don’t know what else to bring on to the table, I lost sense of confidence in me, and I just need someone to be the punching bag. (and at this time of world full with magic, I think I really need SIRI to be my perfect buddy!).

I was not in a good mood. I don’t really feel hungry and I swear I am too lazy to get myself out for lunch. A friend of mine rang me up and asks me to go out. I swear to god… I was not in a good mood, but as a friend who understand my weakest moment where I actually need someone to talk to and by not saying it right, she insisted me to go with her. So… I forced myself out.

I didn’t talk much about why I’m not in good mood, bust she can read my mind. Still, I said it was my mistake for making things complicated. I think beyond of the probability. Maybe that was the reason why I cannot think straight. And I admit, when the silent treatment continuously happening… that totally wasn’t cool!

1 thing I got from her, and this 1 thing still linger in my head, “kita memberi tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan”Yes indeed… “kita memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan”… and that isn’t what I do all this while. Obviously, I am wrong.

TRUE... TRUE...

2011-10-14T20:58:00.000+08:00

True, it is not easy to run a family when we’re already married. FAMILY, I mean the whole big family! I have mom to take care of (and she keep on saying I’m not her responsibility anymore ), I have to take EXTRA care of Jeed without ignoring my sisters. I still have dad that i occasionally visit. BUT, lucky I didn’t have problems to deal with my in laws.

Back to the root of Now-I-have-married-so-whats-next, it is absolutely a trifling matter to understand. Even though I have roughly planned everything in my head, still there’ll be a slight error in everyday jobs. And when I miserably failed to complete the task in a right way, I’ll definitely try to blame someone for the failure.

I got annoyed when some of them giving me the wondering eyes when they know i still live with mom. Some of them even thought that I am controlling Jeed by forcing him living with me and mom. Some say that I just wanted to play safe and not dependent enough. Some of them even give that big OHMYGOD when i said i travel from Nilai to Putrajaya and Jeed straight to Shah Alam for work.

Oh my... are all that necessary to be something weird?

So, after 4 months of married, now Jeed and I have decided to move to our own house. No more living with mom. It is a huge change, yet I have to bear. I manage to get a quarters in Putrajaya, and that is after 6 months of waiting for my application to be approved. Yes I satisfied, but the cost of living in own house is not something to brag about when I realized it cause me chocked to death when it comes to the end of the month. Oh well… what shall we do if we not spend money for our needs.

I hope this is the right moves. Sooner or later, I must have been ready to live on my own and not burdening mom anymore. I have Jeed now… and I hope he is absolutely can make the out of the ordinary change in our live. AMIN.

PLANNING

2011-10-05T10:58:00.001+08:00

I always have a thought of planning the right time to write a manuscript. Set myself to the east coast. Find a spot where I can write while the sun set between the greenly mountain, far there across the sea. I want to write about the alter ego. I want to write about 5 minutes.

Maybe 5 things I can do in 5 minutes.Make a cup of coffee for husband. Assist mom to recharge her mobile. Place the laundry in washing machine. Read the highlights of today’s news. Login to the Facebook and twitter.

And in the timeframe of doing that, I shall create a complete dramatic story that will take 2 days to read it!

CAST AWAY

2011-09-29T10:08:00.000+08:00

It is not yet to midnight, but the whole town has already closed down. No such busy road, no such lousy people shouting to each other. If you walk around along the shop lot, you can only see sexy ladies busying dealing a business by phone or even directly at the cars’ window. There won’t be happening activities except club / karaoke lounge. The not very cool part, I cannot find the best restaurant nearby.

This is my second time of visit. And I don’t think I should bring mom along to this boring town. Or maybe it is just my style; I don’t like tagging other with me when I am on a business trip. (wait, wait! Wait till I have my own kids, then I must started worrying how to handle them in flight). Even it is quite hard to decide such way, and I know, mom felt unattended, but for god sake, I was away because of doing my job and not having fun for a vacation.

Yes I don’t really like being away from the love one.

DEAR YOU #1

2011-09-20T08:37:00.000+08:00

There goes the thought, I cannot describe how I feel when I saw you sad and you turn to be someone different. You won’t talk, you won’t smile. You nod your head to say yes, and shake your head to say no.

:(

FALSE ALARM

2011-09-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

I had an awesome hari raya. After so many prays and the never ending hope, I am now really embrace the excitement of celebrating with the other half and of cause with mom! It was a quiet morning, none others but the three of us. It was an emotional moment, the sounds of Takbir Raya, and my neighbour’s children cheering over new baju raya and screaming to their mom they want to play the firecracker at that very morning, but I have no time to cry! I had 2 baskets of laundry to settle and dishes to be served and also to pack back to kampung. It was different tho… I have no one to chat with while doing all that.

Yet, Hari raya is not something to whine about.

I had a blast raya this year which end up celebrating up to the east coast, a complete package with our so-called honeymoon. Days before we end up at Kenyir, I had dreadful days. When it came to the evening, I started feeling dizzy and my stomach won’t co-operate to be having more foods than usual. It became a routine for about 3 – 4 days.

Someone had a smile on the face, the others looks panic and surprised. I counted the days, it only slightly 2 days late than before. I insisted not going to the doctor.

A day after we reached Kenyir, then I know, it was a false alarm.

Salam Aidilfitri

2011-09-11T11:21:00.000+08:00

THE THOUGHT OF BECOMING A MOTHER

2011-08-26T23:31:00.000+08:00

It’s different now, again. I used to always count days before I got my paid. Now, it scared me to face the 24 days of the cycles. I always hope… please please, let me feel like a real woman. Give me good news. I pray to god, at least I can have this very moment to light up the happiness into the family.

It is a normal feeling for every woman who got married. It is always either you really want it or, you didn’t plan anything yet. It always has been a topic between me and jeed. We compared our friends and family, and when we’ve been told almost the same history, mom got first pregnant after 3 years of marriage, we know we just have to be patient.

But if you can see my recent activity, check on my browser’s history, you can see, I have started browsing site like justmommies / womanshealth and I even get quite excited entering lovely lace / anakku / mothercare. I love rubbing my own stomach, and even I know the bump is only happened when I got full with foods. I warned jeed not to smoke near me… The best part is, I refused to buy new shoes when I have a thought that, I should be saving some monies to buy converse sneakers for my future little one. Isn’t that too obvious?!

I often think about how should I be really ready for this… this big moment of becoming a mother is not quite easy, and for that to endure, I must first understanding it well from mom. But I was too shy to ask! I was quite afraid exactly… ( can I be a good mother? )

REGRET

2011-08-16T13:06:00.002+08:00

I wish I was the verb "to trust" and never let you down

I WON'T SET THE FIRE

2011-08-15T10:11:00.000+08:00

I never thought it went worst like a tornado! I should’ve known that there is no point of saying something just to clear things up. Even when I thought that maybe if I keep myself away for a brief of time, someone will come pinch me.... and not giving me the wondering eyes.

It was, is my mistakes. I should just leave it there, and not to bring it up to the rest of the “comrade”. But, that’s me, I couldn’t control my anger, I couldn’t control my emotion. That’s just me, and I don’t know how to change it. Trust me, I even hate myself for doing that! Especially when it gave some impacts to those I love. God knows how often I cried, every night… since the day I first understand about misery… about sorrow. Shit! This is fcuking emotional! (cliché)

The point is… I should stop being such an idiot!!!
Just get rid the heaviness in my head!

THERE'S A SIDE TO YOU THAT I NEVER KNEW

2011-08-15T09:54:00.000+08:00

RESTLESS NIGHT

2011-08-11T12:59:00.000+08:00

I think I’m just a bit desperate needing everything. The way I wanted things… is like I will never find it again in any other day or at other places. Well, seems like my obsession and eagerness towards things cannot be defeat by somewhat suck reasons. They just hard to swallow… I couldn’t just accept NO. Maybe that is because I have been always accepting IT’S OKAY all this while.

In different days of my new life, I don’t know if I should feel like sometimes I am the just the unintended. I always thought, I just expect too much in my life, so once I got hurt (even when I am not supposed to feel such way) I became extremely cranky and sad. Sad… but I couldn’t cry. Funny right?
The 356 red book… it left unattended. Every night, I always have “things” I wanted to write, but my hand too weak to hold the pen, my head too heavy carrying the-whats I don’t know if it worth to think anymore. My thought left unwritten… I lied to myself.

Many nights, I look at his face, wondering what he is dreaming about. I try to sleep close to him, but too afraid to annoy him. I run my fingers through his hair, softly touch his eyes… and kiss his cheek. While he already in his dream. I never know what he has been dreaming about. We didn’t discuss about the other side of us in different side of the “world”.

Hours of my restless night… I still love him. I love you.

UNTITLED

2011-08-10T00:49:00.002+08:00

It’s a beautiful day… trust me! The sun shine and the wind whispered behind my ears.
I swear! It’s a beautiful day! Even I feel a bit hurt… but it is not that worst… even though it hurts, I just can’t tell it in words.

What do you feel, when you thought that you are in love, and somehow you just didn’t see the spark?

SAY WHAT I NEED TO SAY

2011-07-22T22:40:00.000+08:00

There’ll be the time when we stumbled and cried, we thought that we need a full attention for being in a hopeless dramatic moment that we mentally abused… whereas another person somewhere there is actually facing something much worst… and they didn’t cry.

We try to stand tall… and clean up the mess. As we try to hold on, somehow we’re losing the trail that lead us back to where we belong. We lost the one who we can call the best good listener, we lost the one who will tell you what’s wrong / right, we lost the one to lean on.

This is what we called a cliché!

I won’t write a periodical that seem too explicit to share but what the point of having a blog when I have to hide the thoughts between words for the sake of seeking a good comments by others? Or simply to do not hurting other’s feeling? Even when I have to let myself hurt and being defensive? If what I wrote is not really come from the top of my lung, maybe that was just a metaphor… and it is up to the rest to define it in a simplest way.

… and if writing is the only way that helps me to portray the real me, I might be bringing papers and pen everywhere. But I don’t! because I can’t even describe who is me myself. I am a different person in different days!

This is really a cliché!

every cloud still has a silver lining

2011-07-19T09:31:00.001+08:00

It was 2 hours of complete happiness, quick hours that gave such long and happy stories of our first time public confession how we met each other. A quick plot with many unexpected tells that made their jaw dropped. We shared with the sisters, letting them know the behind stories of our relationship. God knows how happy I was to share our tale.

When I took a good look at his face right from the back seat, I can’t believe that we’re married now, and how I never feel regret. I told them, I love him for the way he is and so I don’t need a cliché. Since then, I knew that I choose the right man.

But…

When we reached home hours later… when I got so tired and laying beside him and started browsing his phone (I know I shouldn’t do that), something hit my heart and it hurts me well.
It is like in a second… all the laughter and happiness turned to tears; in just a blink of eyes.

I hope… every cloud still has a silver lining that I can rely on… I hope!

FRAGILE HEART

2011-07-15T09:35:00.000+08:00

Someone said, I must first trust a man before decided to fall in love with him. Despite of knowing who he was and what’s he becoming. No I won’t, I got too greedy and I think I must first see him from the point of what he can give to me once I became his wife. Love? Monnies? Trust? Protection? Knowledge?

And when I’m with a man who is full with responsibilities, who always have extra time for everything; Of cos I got worried and afraid that he might not have enough time for me. I know, It is not fair for him if I keep on checking on his mobile, or keep asking where he went out to, who he is with… I know I am only giving a hard time to him. And I don’t want to be kind a selfish myself by not letting him has his own free time with all the dudes he always hang out with.

No, I just being such a denial! Of cos I don’t feel good being left alone.

Sometimes things are hard to explain, between two people who urge to find the spark and the reality of now living together, under the same roof, on the same bed. We neither lack of understanding nor trusting each other… I just got pretty jealous of what he has giving out to others rather than to myself. That’s all.

It is not fair if he always asking a favor from me, or slightly like seeking for a permission, because he doesn’t have to do that. Just go for it, it doesn’t matter when I say yes (with a hard face) or no (with guilty) whereas he actually already has his own answer for it.

I just can’t live without him, maybe that the obvious reason why I need him all the time... I’m just the one who has a fragile heart!

ECHO "HELLOOO TERENGGANU!"

2011-07-12T09:46:00.003+08:00

It was hours of sleepless night. I finally woke up when mom made a quick call forcing me off the bed and headed to the kitchen. Nothing best than having a meal while watching the beauty of my own country (early in the morning)… and of cause it is more entertaining when hosted by Denise, the only best VJ I can say who can fascinate everyone’s cultures and tradition.

She eats sambal belancan and didn’t care about the tempoyak served right in front of her nose.
It is rare to find someone who can give such respect to tradition and religion. She can match the attire with the surrounding location. She can talks and not making face when the pak cik and mak cik didn’t understand a word of what she’s saying. She can make jokes and made them laugh, even though they not really understand what they’re laughing about.

She portrayed the excitement being in my own country, who can define why Wayang Kulit and Mak Yong is classic and nothing beats riding a bicycle along the beach or even eat nasi dagang with spicy sambal.

Okay… I want to go to the east coast. Who cares about Bali / Phuket?!!!

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW

2011-06-29T17:55:00.000+08:00

I woke up in the morning, and found a man cuddling me in blanket. I realized… Ohhh I am married now. Nothing beats the moment to be loved by a man who stand tall throughout this many years holding my hand and fight my fears.

It’s a worth waiting indeed. Even when I have a thought that the relationship won’t work, he never gives up on me. It’s true… it is rare to find a perfect lover when we never had a chance of knowing them right from the start. But jeed, the first time I lay my eyes on him, I had an instinct “he is the one”! (there goes the cliché). Nothing much I can say to picture the excitement when he closed the deal by a vow.. A vow… one time only! Tears on his face truly a priceless moment which I hope he won’t disobey the promises.

25th of June 2011, I am married to Abd Majid bin Mohd Amin. A man who gives tears and JOYS to my life! A man who will be the father to my child… and most of all a man who I will share the whole of my life with!

Thank you dear Jeed, for accepting me to be your other half. Someday, we will tell our children, how you met their mother! :D

MAN-FRIEND

2011-06-20T14:27:00.001+08:00

I don’t remember when the first time we tell each other “I love you”. I don’t remember when we had our first date. I don’t remember when the last time we bought gift for each other was.
And maybe that is the reason we keep on doing the same thing every day…

We love
We meet
We give

And you never give up on me! Thank you jeed, for being the perfect man-friend and complete ME!

YOURS SINCERELY

2011-06-17T16:24:00.000+08:00

I won’t mind if you want to ignore the job and just shut your mouth. But it annoyed me when you let someone else do the job and said “you won’t responsible for any inconvenience”. That was one of a hell selfish attitude!

Sincerely yours!

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND

2011-06-12T23:53:00.002+08:00

It is not easy to run a wedding if you’re living with a single mother. Especially when you realize you don’t get many helps from everyone. Or you don’t have guts asking one. You just don’t know how to ask.

The date is getting closer, everyone hunting me with questions and jokes. Some even asked me if I ready to have the first intimate night!

2 GIRLS AND CUPS OF COFFEE

2011-06-02T21:50:00.001+08:00

It was early in the morning… despite I took such a long time to get myself out of bed, I manage to be in KL just before 9. And surprisingly, it was a smooth and enjoying morning ride.

After done dealing a serious business at a familiar office which brought back the memories 3 years ago, my sister and I went to another familiar mall located just 200 meters from that familiar office. We had out fantastic breakfast and warm up over cup of coffee. If only Atik was there, it’ll complete the charmed one! I must say… it was the happiest morning ever. I had a breakfast with my sister, whom I always miss of every day and night, and we talked about so many things that I always wanted to share with her. Yes especially those picky things about my wedding preparation which sometimes caused me living in a haphazard way.

Funny, when I always beg, I mean I HAVE to beg so she can come home just to cheer up the house. Oh well, she has and always been the light of our life. Even when we thought that she cannot be there, somehow out of a blue, she was there!

I remember those years, those sacrifices along has done for us. I remembered when she works at this small company that paid her only 400 a month and still she manage to send some monies to mom, and even give me 50 bucks a month. I know, she just had slices of bread every day, and as long as she had her mug of Nescafe, she'd be happy to see me finishing the Nasi Goreng Pataya while she only had only 2 spoons of it.

Along used to be my best driver ever (and still she is). She is my true Google Map.

There are too many to list out, what along has done for us, was something I can never return in hands. And I always pray, she will have better life in so many ways.

Before I drive back home, we manage to do a fast shopping trip. Well… that’s the perfect cure for the broken heart right?

Okay I hope this entry won’t be too emotional to read… again.

TOO MANY THINGS... TOO SOON

2011-05-14T19:22:00.001+08:00

I have promised to myself once… I don’t want to tease about wedding in my blog. I don’t want to write the plans… I don’t want to make any review. I won’t even post a picture here.

But… after what had happened within 2 months before the wedding… I need a proper “paper” to let go this thoughts. Not only about few things didn’t turn out closed to what I have planned before, I think I have spent more than enough. Right in this crucial times… I always think about how my house used to be crowded with people (even it supposed to be my mom, me and my two sisters)… and now it almost empty.

Mom has been tired enough to justify my preparation when I always said “That is how I wanted it to be”. I admit, sometime she’s driving me crazy, BUT what would I do without her? Do you think I can even sit there for hours gluing ribbons and cards (just to found that some of the cards accidentally glued upside down!) and she was there sleeping next to me, just to make sure I'm not alone... till 2AM in the morning. And when lots of things now all assembled in one picture.. trust me, lavender theme… it is a risky choice, because most of us don’t really know exactly the color of lavender! T_T

When i got a call from the tailor, my wedding dress is still in progress, 40% to complete, I'm madder than ever! It is 14 mei now… FYI I don’t even have chance to set an appointment for fitting. Can I just pray that my dress will turn out good?

Ok does it mean I should just forget about having a lavender bouquet on my wedding… the thing I always dream of?

And recently my car made my “list-of-things-that-making-me-crazy” as a complete package. I drive a car, a real Malaysia car, worrying that something might be happening in the middle of driving. Something not right with the tyres, something totally not right with the ECU… If I can make a one big kick to the car door, fix the small gap, it would help me reducing the noisiness from outside while driving… Trust me, the only thing I (woman) wish can do when going to the workshop, is not to spend a lot of money, and my car is fixed. (But how true it is that woman won’t get conned in this case?)

….T_T

Kak zana is right… the closer we get to the wedding date, the more consultation we need to overcome the pressure, the nervousness, the-what-if-everything-didn’t-turn-out-good thing… the main is… THE TRUST I MUST HAVE FROM MY FUTURE HUSBAND.

Seriously… I always lock myself in my room for hours… in bed, just to let myself crying, the real cries. That’s the only thing I can do to relieve the pressure… For now.

MOTHER'S DAY IS ON EVERY DAY... EVERY YEAR

2011-05-08T22:40:00.000+08:00

Obviously, I have not enough time to blog recently. Even when I have drafted half of the story, by the time I wanted to finish it, I just don’t remember what to tell.

Oh house is now extremely “empty”… I miss my sisters and the feeling just remain indescribable. And the one who misses them the most, definitely mother… But she keeps telling me. She is trying to get use living alone… It is not something I wanted to hear… it even hurts me to death when she said that. So I tell her… I try to be there whenever she needs me and if I have much money, I might bring her around the world…

I told her

“takpa kalau orang lain dah banyak sakitkan hati ummi, anak-anak ummi masih ada.
Takpa kalau orang lain tak nak tolong ummi, anak-anak ummi selalu ada
Takpa kalau orang lain tak percaya cakap ummi, anak-anak ummi kan ada”

Ummi is ummi… she just play her role to be a perfect mother, who wants her daughters to have better life and won’t let the same mistakes happened to us. Her advices lead us to better future, and not changing us to a different person, but TO A BETTER PERSON. She is old… and she just needs a space to be loved. Yes, she deserved that.

What can I say, if any person thought that mother is a person whom is hard to handle…
All I can say… PERGI MAMPOS BOLEH?!

HERE COMES THE CRY

2011-04-19T23:56:00.000+08:00

I remember how I love to be cuddled by father or walking hand in hand. The one thing I love is seeing him wearing that white uniform with a beret and a black polished shoe.

But I cannot recall when the last time he ever held his hands to me…

I cannot remember when was the last time I had such embrace that I won’t forget the rest of my life.

When he is no longer near me, and sometimes I see life entirely in different shape, I had a thought would it be nice if father is now here next to me. He can tell me about man, about the egos and the pride, about the sacrifices and the honesty.

I want him to tell me, it’s okay to cry… I have to see life as a chapter that just about to get by.

SISTERS

2011-04-09T20:26:00.000+08:00

This is so hard… this is so hard.
I don’t know if I have enough strength to move on.
I don’t know if I can stand the fact that I can no longer cry on my sister’s shoulder,
I can’t even hold their hands whenever I need them...

Untitiled #2

2011-04-01T11:38:00.002+08:00

When it comes to night… she was stranded in that huge empty room. She takes a deep look into the eyes… her eyes. She wears a white satin dress with a faded grey ballerina shoes.

She tries to move… but the sad song only bring tears to her eyes. She couldn’t dance...

#WISH LIST INTRO

2011-03-31T09:29:00.000+08:00

Once in a lifetime, after facing many failures and feel broken down, I end up making a wish list.

I wish I can have great job, so I can make more monies, I can buy my own apartment and car, I can take mom around the world, I can settled up all the bills, I can get anything I never had a chance to get before, ~~even to get myself a diamond ring~~, I will treat my friends for lunch, or anyone who feels not having enough money to eat, I will buy a homey house for my dad and ask him to stop driving a taxi.

Even when the whole list seems so impossible to come true, at least that’s the only way to help me heal the pains… and the failures. It’s a lie when people said money isn’t important to build a happy life… it’s a cruel world to say, we ain’t need money to grow, and it is absolutely absurd to say money won’t help you to build a better future.

Especially when we’re living a place full with greedy people, pride and power rules everything.

So… what if I do something bizarre or awkwardly different just to make sure, what I wrote in my wish list is not impossible to accomplish?

... I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on...

THE BRIDESMAID

2011-03-28T23:34:00.002+08:00

It was amazing day out with Tini yesterday! We had a great chat over cendol and Rojak Mee… right under the sun.

Let me recap…

The last time we met was at the concert “awan biru”. We used to go to numerous concert together... it is either we got free ticket(s) / we were so bored and dying to be in a concert / we really appreciate the music of our favorite's one. She is my best buddy back when we’re in Pilah. Despite of having some of our best interest, she is the one who dig Zine a lot and I first ever know the existence of such writings from my pen pal friend, Mara Shahlan, and Tini continues spreading the beauty of Zine to me. Comprehensively. On the other notes, she loves to write, but she refused to be public.

If you first met Tini, you will never think she is a teacher. She kicks ass, she made a high five… and sometimes, she even made netball as an intriguingly exciting game. Her writing… awesome! She listen to my story in detail… and if she get bored, she confess. She is the one and only friend who never try to change herself. Even after she made as a teacher… She is the way she is from the first day I knew her, untill now on. She may speak harsh words sometimes, but that’s the explicit honesty she ever portrayed.

Outing with her months before the wedding is like a promise that I hope we keep this friendship moving and alive. It is a good thing tho… shopping with a friend who can tell which one is the perfect color lavender / which one looks WOW… and most importantly she help you spend under the budget! And when it comes to ideas… she brings up all the crazy what if(s) and how about what(s)… which both of us will end up laughing and bitching about others!

She is the bridesmaid for sure.

23032011

2011-03-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

It is just 15 minutes past 12 in the morning. I must say, I shouldn’t be surprise receiving text and messages posted to my facebook’s wall starting this very moment. I wish I can have a long sweet talk with my man, but everything seems not in plan (like always) and we talked totally not about something that could make me feel like a sweet 16 again (blurghhh). Despite of the this terrible loneliness I am having on this particular night… or should I say early in the morning, I just can’t put myself in bed and pretend that I don’t really care I have become 28!

The 28 years of my life, I am glad for still having a chance living with mom (with dad too , I hope). And even just before went to bed, mom came to and asking for a massage…. I just look at her and I wish I can get her someone whom can really show her the truth behind all those things we called love. I wish! Do you think it is easy to realize that later… I will be deeply missing her screams. Her cooks… and everything about her.

Whenever the date comes… my phone won’t stop buzzing sharp at 12:00 am. And I just look at it with a smile… and made a simple wish. I wish I can just be happy for the rest of my life… I don’t care if I didn’t get a chance to have lots of monies... I don’t mind if I didn’t get much time travelling… or if I will never had my own prada!

This is supposed to be a beautiful night… I should be in bed, and I hope I can get up early to pack early breakfast for me and mom before I go to work.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MYSELF!

WALKING ALONE

2011-03-18T22:54:00.000+08:00

What’s the point of telling him earlier?
What’s the point of reminding him every day?
What’s the point of asking a favor?
…
..
.
When by the end of the day… I had a walk that I don’t want to remember.

ATTENDING A WEDDING

2011-03-05T23:14:00.001+08:00

One thing about attending a wedding ceremony is to meet so many people we haven’t met before and to be there thrilled… watching someone you knew has finally married (jealous if you single). If you are attending an ex-schoolmate’s or your colleague’s wedding, definitely you’ll get time to chat with panel of friends… and you’ll bump to friends with husband/wife plus numbers of children, and haunted with questions of… “so when is your turn” (if you still single) or “how many children you have” (if you have married). Yeah… those questions which I believe, people should have known what the answer is… but still it is just happened to be a must-part-of-conversation thingy.

When you be there as a partner to someone, the eagerness of leaving the party pretty much taking most of your time, rather than sitting there and eating all you can. You have to sit in a table of 10 with none of them you are familiar with. Soon, you will find everyone take off their phone and start texting / browsing internet… some may have updated the facebook status or even tweeting… “this is suck!”. The saddest part about Kenduri Kahwin (Malay Wedding) nowadays is hard to find man wearing baju melayu. I don’t know what went wrong with the wife who let her husband came in a shirt with rocks/metal logo and please for the love of god, jersey is meant to be wore to play soccer not in kenduri kahwin!

Jeed have accompanied me to most of my friend’s wedding… after numerous of event, he has been a very entertaining partner… indeed. I envy the way he can mix with strangers, how he lighten up the conversation without even showing the “Blaahhhh” face. And when I try to steal the secret magic he had, he just said… “That’s just me, I just talk about anything”. Yes I do love this man.

So today, when I was with him to his friend’s wedding, I know I should act normal and to be cool. Not to showing off to his friends, but (man!)… I was trying hard to portray the perfect partner indeed. And when he leaved me sitting alone for having a cigarette break with his friends and accidentally making a long reunion conversation with the guys outside the hall, I know I just have to control the situation. I control not to give that mad face. So I drink and drink and drink a lot! Thank you to the magical of mobile and internet… which cause me almost to tweet “Man should not leaving his girlfriend sitting alone for that fucking cigarette break”. .. ALMOST.

It is not easy tho to sit with the rest of the guys, I just couldn’t think of any joke… not even the stupidest one. One question asked… I answered with no extra details. And when they started laughing… I don’t know if I should be laughing along. Funny right… when I look at those faces, and God I wish I can just play a trick on them, at least to let them know, that I can make stupid jokes too… But when they started talking with different dialect, I shall be sitting still, surrender. That was the pretty hard part to deal… sometimes man and woman they just can’t make the conversation become easier. I still hope that my presence there won’t cause such a disappointment to jeed.

Trust me, when you found that you are falling love with someone and you have given everything you can… there will be a part where you still found a hole in life that won’t fit his needs. Yet. To be the perfect partner to jeed, I know it is pretty hard to deal with and I wish I still have time to be the one.

AFTER ALL THE THINGS WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

2011-03-03T15:26:00.000+08:00

I never told you

What I should have said

No I never told you

I just held it in...

YES MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THE 23RD OF MARCH EVERY YEAR

2011-03-03T09:36:00.001+08:00

Yes i want iPad 2 for my birthday. Is it too much?

20022011

2011-02-22T14:39:00.008+08:00

I know I almost forgot to write about what had happened on the last weekend. It is not just about about Kurt Cobain’s birthday on the 20th of February; What I should be telling here is the very same day Jeed’s family came to my house and his mom properly put a ring on my finger.

Yess ya allll! It’s a PROMISE ring! Yooooooooooooooooo!

Okay, I shouldn’t be too excited! (BUT I SHOULD RIGHT?). Who would have thought that this emotional girl (me) is finally soon to be a wife? Wow! It is a big word to mention… and to get ready to mark the 2nd option on the marital status in any registration form… MARRIED. This is not a false alarm… this is not a freaking joke! I know, even when I always sad I hate how loves make me sick and depressed. But when the time I got this ring on my finger, the whole perception changed. I look at his face, and the way he whispered “I love you”, mean so much to me!

Yes the very same guy who gives me tears and joy… and said “live on” when I got stumbled and lost all my senses. The one who had promised me till death do us apart. It does sounds cliché, yet… how time has turns everything around, it is really the matter of sooner or later… and now it is finally.
If I could just wrote a song about the day… I would want Jenny Lewis to sing it for me! (okay why the heck is that, I don’t know, her name just pop in my my head)

It’s a cold bright night… Amin! Alhamdulillah.

Dear Mr Kurt

2011-02-20T02:20:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday!!!

HOTEL ROOM

2011-02-12T08:48:00.000+08:00

It’s pretty disturbing to stay here while not having anyone to talk to. It is more likely living in an empty square room with not even furnished with a sofa or TV. I drink a cup of tea and staring outside the window… there is lights everywhere… a gigantic moon in the sky. I wish there will be a falling star… at least I can make a wish. Please let me have someone to talk to.

Well, it does seem pathetic right. It is like every day, I am having the same problem whining about being alone. Maybe being 28 is not that easy… even when I try to sleep at night. I keep on thinking why after all this years, somehow I don’t feel like I don’t completely own everything that I’m having now; especially the thing that brings a spark to my life.

Enthusiasm… is the only reason why I’m taking this seriously. I want to have fun, in fact I want to bring all the fun. I want to create a new life, yes I want to have the best of everything. I wanted him to know that I really love him as the only man that could bring all the joys into my life. Even when he’s too busy with his job, or when he can’t decides where to have our dinner. And when he didn’t reply my calls, that’s okay, coz I know he will be missing it one day… and immediately looking for me on the next day. I hope!

I have tried everything to save this relationship. Thank God, it is still working fine… there was once or twice I complaint. When I said I hate I don’t really mean it. Coz loathes only making me loving him much deeply. Maybe this is true… when it comes to the time you finally decided to tie a knot, everything seems beautiful. We forget the past… and I keep reminding myself, he is the only one for me; the one that I am devoted to.

BACK TO THE ROOT

2011-02-09T08:53:00.000+08:00

When a big thing knocks on your door… all you have to do is to be prepared for many unexpected thing yet to be happened. This is when you seek for another option and starts to compare. Of coz it is a freaking hard deal when it involves those who seem important to you… especially when it involves your own family and another family whom then will always be part of your life.

Everything seems to be more unpleasant.

I have a right to talk, but when they’re rather ignoring and walking away… Even when I brought up all the ifs and hows with facts and reasons to adjust, trying to open up their mind and pleading to be on my side, I just don’t know what else I should do to talk them down. I know right at this moment, tears won’t change their mind. Looks like this matter is quite sensitive for discussion but it should be simple to solve.

I wonder how to play my part / to just be a peacemaker (perhaps). How on earth this started to be a mad situation when I first thought that everyone should have been seated together and try making this work. For the sake of my freaking wedding date, I don’t want to say this but, just now I got a feeling that maybe it is not the right time to get married anyway.Yet.

another note to myself, Please adda, don’t give up!

IT'S A QUARTER AFTER ONE

2011-02-08T01:04:00.001+08:00

I just want to make it short this time... (i try)

it is 15 minutes past 1 am in a morning. I am still staring to empty spaces and got the feeling that we're meeting... for the first time...

EXCITEMENT

2011-02-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

I happened to be very excited when I got my first ever driving license right after finish my high school and paid with my own saving. I drove mom’s car and dreamt that one day, I will buy a Satria GTI for myself! Yes, when I first own a car as what I have dreamt of… (well, of cos it is NEO istead of GTI) I got SOOOOOOO excited… and took mom out for a ride (with proud).

Some of the people I know said, I am a person who talks loud, and a lot. You guys should see me when I got extremely excited. Not just my mouth busying telling out the stories, I have my hands, feet, hip and head to complete the drama! I may laugh as loud as I can embarrass those who happened to be in my group of discussion. I don’t care, coz I got so energized!

Excitement is when we have all kind of feelings blended into one bizarre yet complete relief. The indescribable feeling will then made us hope and pray it will lead to a perfect future… let it brings more and more good news ahead.

But, what point of excitement anyway, if you can’t share it with others? Or somebody should be at least JUST being happy for you? Weird right… by the time we should be pretty excited, we end up stay in bed and staring to empty spaces.

LAZY SUNDAY

2011-01-30T21:57:00.001+08:00

The rain is pouring outside and showing no sign of stopping since this morning… oh no it was since yesterday. I woke up this morning and thought it is too early to take a bath on the lazy Sunday… and the windy weather got me stay in bed till I finally realize it was close to 11 am.

A Sunday morning starts with me having a slight fever and a running nose. I cannot breathe and my head is not co-operating at all.

Tomorrow will be the last day to work before I’ll be having a long leave until Sunday. A bit regrets I should say, when I have decided not to just start taking a long holiday since Monday (tomorrow). Maybe the reason why workaholic always comes in mind… is when I always think about satisfying others rather than letting myself having the time of my own. (or maybe because I don’t even have a FUN LIFE at all). Office will be like a haunted place tomorrow. Many of the staff were on leave (trust me, it seems like everyone got pretty excited celebrating CNY this year even none of us are Chinese), well including me! Ohhh at least I can practice driving on a clear traffic for a whole week!

Yet, what the point of taking long days off when I pretty much sure I would end up lying in bed… with fever and bad bad bad flu?! Oh yes, I have tones of jobs that need to be settled by this end of the month, and will be outstation on the following week.

…and a hell of freaking revelation to break the news and makes a shocking rocking month of the year!

*sroootttt* Achummmm Oh my god… I seriously need a clarinase right now!

WHAT THE PURPOSE OF BLOGGING ANYWAY?

2011-01-29T09:17:00.003+08:00

The power of free world in Internet has opened the door to some people who thought that they need a platform to share with people on the other side of the world about what others not knowing about them. Social network, blogs, tumblr… what else… you name it! They can write like pages of journal… but more interactive and a bit annoying when they put so many ads (which they hope to get extra money from) and background music which seem quite irritating than entertaining.

Blogging is a must for those who spent their 8 hours of work in front of the computer… at least they must have the facebook account. Here is how all the chapters begun… when there was the time when I feel like I hate my friends when they brag about so many extra fun they had in life and then whine about the unfortunate event whereas they just braged about their bigger life. Come on... you have had a perfect life, and there'll the time when you slightly falling apart... it won't make a harm when you still can fix it like you just had an extreme fun life before! It made me thinks… why don’t I have a kind of life like that? Happy and free like them… and I hate it when it comes to the level of comparing and judging…. Like, should I envy just because the fact they had built their own future before me? Yes I know, I should’ve just be happy for them.

Fak!

Ok that was for me! Can you see… those good things about other people been bragging about; it made me feel like I just had a fucking raw life! with 0 excitement?

SORRY SEEM TO BE THE HARDEST PART

2011-01-23T23:33:00.002+08:00

The reason why I must write something here today is to make sure I didn’t do anything awful… and to hear more forgiveness than ever.

I am begging for the truth...

THE ONE WITH A SHOULDER TO CRY ON

2011-01-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

Have you ever feel, you almost get rid of this one burden in your head, and suddenly you got hit by one heavy giant rock… befall to the ground. And that will be the time when you blame faith and life… because it didn’t turn out according to what you have expected. Even if it did, you get it the hardest way.

And then you sit back… alone… reminiscing the moment when many people promising you everything gonna be okay; Cheering you up and stand by your side and make you couldn’t ask for more. You feel happy… you have that smile on your face. But… it was reminiscence. You just realized, here you with yourself, doing nothing but having a thought of when you can get your life back again.

Once in a while, you try to prove how life supposed to be. You hate people judging you, especially when they said your outfit totally outdated or questioning why you put some more weight every week. And they said, they were giving a piece of mind to help you out, and even yes they seem to give you an advice, you rather take a winding road head back to your own pride. Your ego is obviously the only consideration.

So, when I lean my back against the wall…should I turn around and expect someone there still holding me, to at least ease my worries and make me believe that promises is not a threat?

WHEN IT COMES TO COOK... AGE DOESN'T MATTER

2011-01-13T22:34:00.006+08:00

Kak tik first telling me about the Australia Junior Masterchef was quite a few months ago… oh last year…
We always talk about that awesome show and I got the updates from her tweets. When she got back home for along’s wedding, she tells about those young chefs and made the story intriguingly entertaining. Yes we loves foods so much, and the fact that my brother in law is a true cook himself, we share so many experiences and the truth of loving the foods and stuff…

Yes kak tik mentioned about the shrimp… the correct way of cleaning the shrimp. I don’t bother about it before, and after kak tik telling me in details about the a euphemism for the digestive tract… and how a 10 years old boy knows how to remove the vein… while I have never had thought of doing that… it is like I just had a slap in a face! I didn’t bother about the black vein before… and I ate a shrimp/ prawns like I don’t want to miss every part of it including the shell… and now lesson learned!

Have you tasted the delicious tom yang kung? Secret recipe has it on the menu… Whenever I ordered the menu, I have yet to found the best shrimp which a necessary main ingredient that flavoring the tom yam soup! Oh my… I will eat the shrimp using my both hands… licking fingers… and I didn’t care if someone thinks that I am a big fat greedy glutton!

Watching kids in kitchen with all the cutlery and foods, nothing beats to taste their meals at the end of the day! They cook with passion, obviously we can see the their frustration when the cake got burnt or the beef is overcooked… or even when they forgot what ingredients to put into the pan. If what they serve deserved the credits… you got so emotional to see those glowing smile with a teary eyes! They are magically a true food lover yes?!

UNGU VIOLET

2011-01-12T22:20:00.002+08:00

maaf kalau semua tidak berjalan seperti yang kita mahu

kadang kita berharap tuhan akan menunjuk jalan kita
dan membuka sedikit tabir rahasianya
seperti matahari yang terbit di timur dan terbenam di barat
atau seperti waktu yang tak pernah berhenti
perasaan ku akan selalu dekat dengan mu

seperti bicara
betapa sempitnya waktu
betapa terasa besarnya cinta
jikapun aku percaya ada hidup setelah mati
kita takkan pernah bertemu lagi

kita selalu mencuba
untuk menghargai hidup agar lebih berarti
meskipun kecil
tapi embun adalah petanda datangnya musim semi

suara burung atau bulunya yang indah adalah bukan pilihan
keduanya barang selalu ingin kita nikmati

jika aku harus memilih
aku tidak akan memilih
kerana angin akan selalu membawa lagenda cerita kita
yang akan selalu berakhir bahagia

hanya waktu yang bisa merenggutmu...
...dari aku

2011 MAY GIVES GOOD PROJECTION

2011-01-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

I think 2011 don’t really ignite the passion to write on new resolution and stuff. My past achievement didn’t give well and most of my plans slightly went wrong. Maybe because I didn’t plan that good or I just too busy to chase what’s impossible to achieve. Zuckerberg once said, it’s okay if you do something and its failed rather than you stood there and doing nothing, at least, when you did it, you know something need to be fix to make it better.

2010 brought many funny stories in a way that I found hates and envy somehow torturing me while others are having the best of their lifetime. Both sisters married, Friends having babies, excellent jobs and what else to brag that made 2010 means so much to me? Oh maybe I just forgot about what had happened, or maybe I don’t really bother to write about?

I read back what I have posted on Facebook… hates; revenge; jealousy; sad; obviously I made Facebook as my punching bag… I criticize things which then made me being lot more in despair. It shall not be as a point of attraction but then, when people started replying my post… I know someone there was listening. My friends said I was getting angrier everyday… and it portrays totally the opposite of being the charmed one. The truth is I just need Facebook to play games… that’s all.

When it comes to works… I feel completely guilty. Not only I repeatedly saying I don’t like my boss, I blame them when things didn’t turn out good as the way it supposed to be. My fault, I should not being too emotional in office or irrationally talk about works with whomever not supposed to know. It is bad tho… being in a community to condemn the other party and let them cleaning up the mess.

When it comes to me… my personal life, nothing best but having a hollow night and a sleepless dream. (oh how dramatic it is?). Oh I didn’t wish happy new year to jeed… and I don’t even know why don’t I just pick up the phone and made a call now. Maybe that’s just me… am being selfishly ego!

p/s: Now… how to clean up my Facebook’s wall all in one time?

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

2011-01-03T08:17:00.000+08:00

It was a day after new year… and it was sharp at 5 in the evening. I had a sudden head-attack and it was extremely painful! I cannot open my eyes and my head half numb… I have no strength to wake up; so I stay in bed.

I had a sleepless night. It was the longest night.

And yes… it is quite a mistake when I have decided I need to go to work this morning… after a painful night yesterday.

DEAR WHOEVER MAY CONCERN, CAN I GET MY EARLY DUIT RAYA?

2010-12-22T23:11:00.001+08:00

If only I can say these straight to your face....

1^st of all, it is too early to get emotional and nervous.

2^nd of all I didn’t know exactly when to save the date and mother reminding me about the 28th Mei (her birthday)

3^rd of all it is hard to get something cheap for something that look quite classy

4^th of all my savings are dwindling since 2008… I am a disgrace!

5^th of all my credit card’s debts got me hanging by the neck (I swear I can hear the broken bone)

6^th of all this ugly “dark circle” is hurting the eyes!

7^th of all I don’t do DIY… I give up before time

8^th of all the thought of having Wii is intruding my sleep

9^th of all what the heck with those vacation fliers on my desk?

10^th of all… I don’t really know what the fak I was considering about!!!

* I need a vacation please *

So I am a freak in a time like this. I AM! But as what everyone else have experienced, it is certainly not to make fool about. It is quite enjoy seeing my man started be anxious and I hate to say that somehow the-not-having-enough-money apparently the perfect killer point.

Yep it is!
Demn! Fak!

SHOULD THIS BE THE OFFICIAL #1 THE PROPOSAL

2010-12-20T09:56:00.000+08:00

It is not easy to light up a spark in life, especially when the thought of not having enough for future keep hunting you from day to day. I’ve seen so many drama full with cliché, or simply heard stories from friend who made me jealous over their great job and wealthy life. I read what’s they brag about relationship in facebook with loathe. And maybe I just follow their twitter because I want to have some silly entertainment and statements to make fool about.

Truthfully, yesterday was the only date I could remember… when jeed sincerely talk to mother and said the day will come. The time when he asked me to get married, it got me carried away; there is no bending on knee / taking hands / with ring or roses. I was seating next to him, and he was driving on our way to my friend’s wedding… and like a pop up window, he proposed the date. I was barely laughed and started feeling nervous yet excited; and I don’t even remember if I said YES? It was that, nothing cliché like how I’ve always imagining it could be.

Now mother seem to be quite excited than me.

And if this is the only way spreading the thoughts of being quite excited about this… literally!

JUST AROUND THE CORNER

2010-12-08T21:26:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I thought I was dreaming, but when I realized that my fedora quite soaked in sweat… I know the adventure is soon to be explored… the best yet uncertain part to do with mother.

I remembered the pre-shopping done so cautiously and economically well-prepared. Yes when mother showing off any nice and vintage miniature; my only concern is the cost must be below RM2; even when mother said, “Takpa Ummi tambah duit ummi?”… Errr noooo thank you.

Then I realized… wasn’t this too early to be busy and worried about plans and tasks; Mother said, it doesn’t matter anymore, it all worth to spend when the shop tagged 70% discount to most of the items. Yes, somehow it seem to be a logic practice but the point is should this be done without a certain decision from the other party?

Then I roll back to the time when I always imagine about having a unique theme:

Group of youngsters play traditional songs with rebana and caklempong
Rolls of film to photograph precious moment when people hugging each others in tears
Kids are chasing each other over coins and the glitter papers
Uncles and aunties making jokes and intelligently making pantun as a way to communicate
A vintage songket
White rose to the knot of hair
The heart-shaped box
Black and white pictures
Lavendar shoe with a diamond miniature on top
…
…should I keep on imagine?

Then I woke up from my dream

And I said to mother, the time will come. She comprehends.

Thank you to mother and to myself because I didn’t swipe any of the plastic cards yesterday.

MY IMAGINARY SHOE

2010-12-05T10:45:00.000+08:00

One thing I'll be very particular to make sure a perfect wedding is I would wear a beautiful charming lavender theme shoes; to match with a white satin dress and a lavender ribbon to put up a bit of colour.

I couldn't imagine more but to have a perfect shoe just like this... (taken from someone who is so fortunate to have this on her wedding)

This is what make me to just want to get married tomorrow!

DO NOT EXAGGERATE

2010-11-26T20:28:00.000+08:00

If you think that dealing with the VVIPs is that easy as you can greet Siti Nurhaliza and ask for an autograph, when you meet her on the street of Bukit Binang, you are demn wrong! Dealing with them is super tricky… and when you have to be there and entertain them to the end of the event… you could think to be rather cross the street and got hit by a bus.

I’m not the one who is excellent enough to run a program that involved VVIPS. Not in my life I could be there and greet them with a huge smile and do the cheeks kiss. Well that was just a reason to avoid typical feminism paranoia (If I could); I have unfortunately been one of the luckiest ladies for such event today.

The event is on Friday, and I found people started busy doing the preparation on Thursday and started pointing each other mistakes throughout the event. No one being loyal, no one did the job sincerely… some of them taking others credits and said others are not deserved to be congratulate for the event. I second some of the points that look rational and fun to gossip. By the end of the conversation, I realized, no one likes doing other job when the first job not completely done. In other words… no one likes to be instructed!

Anyway… talking about the event, I have joined all the VVIPs and VIP to the diamond’s building… the same building jeed always go in the 2nd week of every month to submit his company’s report to the Management. Yes, it is a fascinating to be there and ushered by gentlemen who happened to always open the door for you and said “Ladies first” :) … and they really mean it!

I came back to office with such a relief and thank god it was a half day event.

Oh yeah by the way, I am having a very bad menstrual cramps since yesterday… and I still can smile and even singing with the kids when we visited the TASKA and do the TOMATA dance; I can chit-chat with others and taking pictures when they ask to; I help whatever I can help as I may;

SO SHUT YOUR $%&*@#%$ MOUTH AND STOP WHINING ABOUT YOU HAVE SO MANY PENDING WORKS AND CANNOT COPE WITH SUCH A STRESSFUL EVENT.

Stop being like an old lady when you seem to be healthy enough to be optimistic. Come on! Live Life… it is not the end of the world! Dance like Beyonce and you will be just fine!

EYES, LIPS, HAIR

2010-11-25T11:01:00.000+08:00

One thing I always forget to do is to wear a lipstick before go to work. I have pale lips and it quite dry… I need to constantly apply a lip-gloss just to make it better. Nevertheless it gets faded easily and I have no reason not to have a lipstick in my purse. No… I don’t use lip liner so my lipstick can last all day.

Today, I spend almost 30 minutes for make-up. Besides of having a problem wearing a lipstick, I don’t really know the correct way of applying mascara! This morning, I have accidentally scratched my cornea with the brush! Can you imagine the clumsiness…

No, this is not really about woman and make up … but having to understand what woman need in life is. Besides of being beautiful inside out… we growing up… getting older and there are part in everyday life we just need to choose the perfect moment to just be with ourselves. And that’s the time when we can find the perfect lipstick’s color to match the entire look and we will never fail to wear a mascara to stand out the smoky eyes.

… And not to always be in hurry dressing up and only to find that we had some extra time to wear a lipstick while driving to work!

THEY ARE KILLING ME!!!

2010-11-11T23:04:00.000+08:00

RAINBOW IN THE SKY OF DIAMONDS

2010-11-11T17:32:00.001+08:00

When morning comes, I never thought that it can be so overwhelming while I was feeling so restless and refused to wake up. Even when all the alarm clocks won’t stop ringing and I don’t bother to make it quiet (yes I have more than one alarm clock). I rather be tuck in blanket, and let the morning breeze make the room colder than ever. I hate to realize that I need to go to work as early 6 in the morning. I hate to get freezing in the bathroom … but come to think that I must gather my effort to make my day a bit better than yesterday; and so I have to get myself off the bed sharp at 6am asap.

Then I take a ride down to the highway heading myself to the other state. I never try to take other routes… and so I have adapted the same great views almost every single day. The new thing about my ride is only if I bump into holes and hump on the road or to witness some unfortunate accidents along the way.

Today, on my way to work; while I was singing the “chances”… I look up and saw 7 stripes of colors just between the clouds. It was so obvious and I captured the view using ROKR. I don’t believe in sign, but this morning… I shall believe it is worth to start a day with such a brighter sign.

But up till now, I don’t know where exactly the sign taking me to…

UNTITLED AGAIN

2010-11-02T22:21:00.001+08:00

I don’t know how to start this. I have been typing since yesterday, and none of the draft I agreed to publish. I have many things to write, but none of my thoughts can be written into proper lines.

Every day, when I checked my e-mails, I got many spams than what I expected to have. I haven’t received notifications from facebook as I tried not to be in the social-network. (for now). I was digging out the old mails and the archived, only to make me feel sad and even sadder…

The last thing I remember I was crying like I never cried before…

UNTITLED #2

2010-10-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

... He once told me that I am the queen of his heart...
He asked me if i ever believing that...
and I guess that i am still trying to really enjoying being a queen...

TO LOVE A LOVER / A STRANGER

2010-10-17T22:04:00.001+08:00

I found it is not easy to wake up when he is not around… and to find that each minutes of my days that I have to wait for him.

Thank god, I chose him to be the one whom I have spent my love to and a lot more to be shared together along the journey. I am pretty happy that mom and sis agreed to accept him as my man. Even when people said there’s no such story that parent will decide with whom the daughter will end up with… it is still actually happening. Some people out there had a broken heart, when they have to choose to let go a lover who has ready to be the other half / to love a stranger! The crucial part; to say no to parent’s decision is not an option!

What’s with the mentality they’re having? The minor part of being a bit fair when it come to the marriage matters. Not to say that parent shouldn’t be involve in making a decision for their children’s future, but it is their future for god sake… don’t they deserve to at least had an option? Yes, some people said, love after marriage can be appealing, and more less like a fairy tale… but to be loved, at least to feel love and get married, is more like a real tale.

I AM SO CANNOT SLEEP TONIGHT

2010-10-13T21:03:00.000+08:00

They said the adrenaline will cause the talk ended in a blink of eye! Let see how it’s gonna be tomorrow!

Fak! I am faking nervous!

DRUGS WON'T WORK

2010-10-06T22:15:00.000+08:00

The alarm has triggered, I should be more serious with my plan. He is right; for the sake of our future, he has the rights to say no to things I shouldn’t be doing. Most of the time, I will fight, and just like a water, he patiently endures the ego, irresistible; and I never feel deprived.

When I found myself, trapped in the same old me, I knew I have yet giving out the best to him. And still he keeps on trying being the one whom I can cling on to. That’s what he told me when I scattered and cannot get myself into bed.

It sucks… facing the same shit when my hearts saying no. It sucks to breathe when all I can taste is lies.

It become worst when my head is pounding hard than my heart… it is beating with full of dramas. I wanted to be back to normal, I need no drugs just to get myself fall asleep. I need no drugs when I wake up, just to get myself straight again.

Maybe I just want to be with him. Only when he is close to me… I know that will be the time I will forget all the “drugs”.

STYLING WITH CONVERSE

2010-09-30T22:42:00.001+08:00

During high school, Black shoes are part of my attire to school. That was a year before SPM and I said to mom, I don’t mind wearing the converse to school since my black pallas jazz have all worn-out. Mom bought the converse for my birthday years before… and it supposed to be as a casual shoes and not to be wear to school. Anyway, what the heck… I don’t need to buy any other shoes just for the sake of finishing one more year of school.

The last time I wore converse was during my student years in UKM. Those days were the time when I didn’t see the beauty of slippers and heels. It was the time when I got all crazy joining friends to concert and gigs... Nirvana rocks, shirt and jeans has been the perfect outfit everyday. And with the high cut Converse All Star nothing can beat the coolness of being a Uni Student even when I have to walk miles away to class from the hostel everyday. I wore the same shoes everyday. That was not originally mine, I took it from my sister.

After years of walking in heels and boots… now I suddenly miss wearing the Converse again! Tadaaa… The Chuck Taylor All Star is mine now… This time I bought this myself!!!

Should I mention now I am having the same shoes (almost) with Jeed ? Does that sound that sweet or boring?

ANSWERS & THE TRUTH

2010-09-27T00:19:00.003+08:00

It is freaking hard to reveal the cause of this heart pounding like a high-speed train. It is true we cannot evaluate a person by judging the level of sensitivity and point of view. Sometimes, what they said, may not portray what they do.

And when we have trust the whole life of knowing and loving a person that seem to be quite humble and being enough caring and genuine, still we found there’s a gap between two person where the secrets been hidden. Surprisingly… revealing the unexpected.

Now I know… why I didn’t know much about a person, is because I was afraid to ask more… and they said, they have been waiting till I shoot the questions. I just took a lot more time till I realize, I didn’t know much about them…

Yeah… I was playing with the puzzles, and it hasn't been solved quite right, YET… all of this while.

SEEING THE BLIND SIDE

2010-09-23T00:43:00.000+08:00

The reason of why I always think about bad things might be happening is because I cannot accept the fact that things happened for reason. I got scared / worried / mad… it all just a sudden reaction of my worst paranoia. After all the efforts I had, I should’ve been a bit optimistic. But no, I blame myself OR others when things started get difficult to handle.

It is not easy to shape others mind and targeting a higher rank when we found that the highest peak is way up from the level of “just fine”. We need to be brave and expand the comfort zone while we thought that we already in a safe place. My problem is, I cannot dig the hole much deeper whereas I have to get to the root -finding the solution. But wait a minute… solution should be on to top of all… I shouldn’t look back to know that I have made a mistakes right? And so… I stop digging out.

Now I realize that everything is actually there right in front of my eyes. It is a matter of making decision which one I need to choose and to portray the real me. And now… I am seeing the blind side, rather than memorizing about what I have done and should not done in life.

ME AND THIS YEAR OF HARI RAYA

2010-09-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

1st syawal has passed too soon. I am fast forwarding the time to get my sisters and brothers to gather under the same roof back again, just wanted to see that glowing smile on mom’s face seeing them around the house. Up till this 4th syawal, the five of us manage to have 2 hours of conversation in the living room while having our dinner together. Later then, sisters went out with husband to their next direction, back to work and back to in law’s.

Mom said, she hates seeing the house empty. I thought mom just has to deal with this kind of situation but she just not ready to comprehend.

Raya was quite good this year; we had a nice trip back to kampong and a short visit to dad’s house. Dad didn’t talk much about everything. He only answered what’s been asked. For the first time, we didn’t stay a night at kampong, and rather travelling to another district for another visits. Everyone must have wondering why, we rather keep it to ourselves. We met atoq and nenek and mak long for hari raya, enough said.

Been a talkative person myself, this year, I rather be distance from everyone else. It is not that I am avoiding the when-i-will-get-married question; I just hate to give that smirk face and the prediction date. Somehow it does bring a sense of sensitivity! Oh trust me, I am so wanted to be with Jeed on the first day of Syawal since like years before. At least I can sincerely say Maaf zahir batin right to his face, for real! Frankly said, he is THE bestfriend man-friend I ever had! Regardless the hows he has ever made me cry, he just know how to win me back… even when it’s already too late, he can change my whole perspective of hating man to loving man more…

(should this entry telling more about syawal anyway?)

Glad to celebrate raya with my family including dad!
No more duit raya for me this year, but the excitement of giving more to the kids is a blast!
I eat, I sleep and thank god, I didn’t snore!
I met few of my relatives, I wish I can meet all of them
Hari raya should be exciting, but more bad news on tv… the cruelty of sosilawati’s case made me want to sleep with a gun in my hands. In case I don’t feel safe!
...
The best of visiting JB this year, I manage to drive the FAIRLADY Z! Enough said!

MERDEKA MALAYSIA

2010-08-31T23:40:00.000+08:00

Years ago, I used to say that government didn’t make a good progression of developing potential youth in order to enhance the quality of good citizen. We have seen how media can easily spread many issues in so many different ways. Some of us happened to be afraid watching tv or reading papers because of more bad news highlighted on the front page. Some of us keep spreading the bad news to haunt the others.

Now… I can see how hard it is to tackle human’s mind and to make them understand about the commitment given by the government to keep everyone to be safe under the same roof. This is neither about politic nor government. My concern is, no one will ever stop fighting for the rights. Many years ago, they have fight to be free from the colonizer. Then they fight to take the lands. Then they fight for the nationality, economy control, education, job… and now they still fighting for more things. And so to realize, we have been merdeka so many years ago, only to know that many of us still had something missing… In future.

Okay before saying more craps and shits… I am actually dropping by to write, SELAMAT HARI ULANGTAHUN KEMERDEKAAN KE 53!

#$@%555&^#$@#$@#$... To those sucker who dumped innocent babies on road. Go to other country, you are not deserved to be here!

CAN I HAVE THESE PLEASE?

2010-08-28T20:15:00.004+08:00

I miss shopping for new shoes :(

5:35PM

2010-08-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

5:35pm : I am either still mad or my back still hurt!

TWO MOMMIES AND A GIRL

2010-08-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

Having a child is like a big plan in life… somehow it turned to be the greatest and amazing adventure we can ever imagine. I’m not pointing this out because I have made one of them, but I can tell that it turn me on to see those beautiful faces of babies or listening to their cries which suddenly appeared to be the greatest laugh you really wanted to hear. Child is a gift.

Many said that I can confess this because I didn’t get that far yet for having the real challenges in life. I can say this because I still have times to shop new shoes every week, I have time to rest / lying in bed while surfing the internet, and my sleep won’t be interrupted by baby’s cries or forced to be awaken until the baby get back to sleep. I may not have all that experience yet, but if I have a chance… I might want to understand, that is how mom always do when I was a child. And practically that will be what I shall do to take care her grandchildren just the way she used to raise me before.

And of all the feeling I had, yesterday was the blast one! I went out with Dean and Eija to the parenthood expo at mid valley. Never in my head, I had a plan of going to such event this soon. I was worried seeing Dean and Eija walking from one booth to another with that big womb in crowded places and keep asking them to let me know if they need the 5 minutes break… but trust me when it comes to shopping, with or without that big tummy, woman can shop till they drop! Finally I realize how big it is to raise that little one where you have to consider the clothes, diapers, bottles and stroller in a very hygienic and considerable way. Cost-effective can be quite challenging as many brands to compare to suit the nowadays milieu. Do you know they have a stroller cost almost RM5k per-piece?!

And the list continuously elaborating…

We end up dining in at Secret Recipe where I finally found that Dean’s husband is quite a chatter. Cool, he can mix easily when we won’t stop talking about babies.

Not going home empty handed, I bought some pieces for my favorite boy & girl Aqish and Ariff, pieces of cute skirt and shirt. I want to buy some toys for them, but I guess they have been quite spoiled with baskets of playthings at home. Clothes will be cool.

Yeah, I am so looking forward to raise my own! InsyaAllah…

5TH OF RAMADHAN

2010-08-15T01:27:00.002+08:00

It is 5th of Ramadhan now. For the first time in my life, I felt something missing and it is hard to reveal what’s shouldn’t be shared with others. So I keep it unspoken. I just texted dad, wishing him “Selamat berpuasa” and he did not reply.

Mom still sewing… and said every clothes must be settled before leaving to Adelaide. She was complaining about the small tent at the backyard that seems to be collapse any time soon, the flag that yet to be hang at the front of the house, the lampu pelita which I didn’t take out from the store, list of kuih raya she expects me to do… I have wasted this weekend by lying in bed most of the time. If it is not because of I got sick, I would’ve done things she has asked me to do… and of all those things, I knew mom just need me to sit with her while she sewing the clothes… she just need someone to talk with.

Kak tik will call every day and ask what we had for berbuka puasa or what she should cook for dinner. Mom directs what to do by phone like she is making a call from KL to Nilai. When talking by phone seem not to be enough, she asked me to turn on the skype… and mom started showing her what we just had for dinner… like all the plates in front of this tiny web cam… and kak tik got really excited! :)

Funny to realize that, in this fasting month, everyone is rushing back home and I always stuck in bad traffic from putrajaya way down to the kajang highway. Even when I try to flee sharp at 5… it will cause me stuck like 45 minutes before I reach the main junction of Complex E main Entrance in my office area! That is totally sick!

Pasar Ramadhan not really seems so much exciting nowadays. Despite of the tasteless foods and crowded people, most of the hawkers are making money in a very inappropriate way. Some of them even sell the leftover from yesterday business (or this is just a thought?!)

And yes… this year… I felt a huge different than the usual ramadhan I always had years before!
Should I just cry now?

JEED IS BACK, BUT HE LOST IT

2010-08-08T21:38:00.001+08:00

Jeed is back to town after spending holidays with his friends in Phuket. He looks overjoyed.

Nevertheless, it disappoints me knowing that Jeed had accidentally lost his ring during that time. The inexpensive ring I gave on his last birthday.

He is now intermittently suffering a stomach ache and which I didn’t have a clue of what’s the diagnosis of the pain. He went for an x-ray more than I could remember.

We should have gone to the Broga Hill, yes dude!?

oH yes, I am worried when it come to think about him more than I could ever think of everyday.

SICK AGAIN

2010-07-31T23:12:00.002+08:00

Again… fever strikes back!

I was having flu since Thursday… may I blame the parlimen duty that cause me to have this disease now?! If it is not because staying in that cold room and I rather wait till lunch & after 5 to go to the toilet, I might not have this flu anyway.
(Ok don’t put the blame on works when you get sick. It is not healthy to get wealthy that way! :P)

Last night, dad called me and he said, being sick is just a short-term punishment in life…ermm sort of like a word of warning to be cautious and prepared. Dad told me about qada’ and qadar and being a daughter is all about remembering what’s mom and dad has ever sacrificed before. (Erm yeah) He said, don’t get too excited about wealth and grade. Okay dad, understood! But where were you since 10 years ago?

This morning, I have decided to go to the Permata Hijrah located in bangi to get a consultation regarding my nasal problem. Mom accompanied me, and said she wants to try too. After minutes of short briefing by one of the male staff, he then called me in to the room where 5 people strangers actually seating together! Wohhhooo! I was refused to seat there at the first place, but having no other option and since we have waited for about half an hour, mom said.. we are not seeing the other strangers after this anyway, so hell with the discomfiture.

Regardless the sound of snorting and coughing and sneezing, I don’t think most of the tools in that room have been sterilized. They’re using a not-quite-soft tissue which I usually use it to toss oil of my fried-chicken, and we have to succumb our head onto a basket of other’s left-over mucus… which only being layered with another piece of tissue! Oh My God! I just have to close my eyes!

They made me sniffed an unknown powder, which I don’t really know what the heck was that… and the staff said, it will help to suck-out all the slime inside my nose. I have been sneezing since then, and I felt something burning inside my nose!

I must say, the way they handling the treatment session weren’t up to the level of my cleanliness expectation. Of cause, they cannot cramp the entire patient into one room… seating side by side to blowing-out they’re mucus and sneezing all together like there was a flu-snorts competition going on! Oh My God… I just hope that all the strangers there are not positive H1N1. Patient should be treats in a private area… not in a room where many people can see what’s going on there in the room like they’re watching a discovery channel of how to snorts-out-your-mucus!

That was so embarrassing. I must say, that will be the first and the last time I had a treatment at Permata Hijrah. I shall be continuing going to get a consultation from the handsome ENT Specialist at An-Nur. Yes!

Oh yeah, thank you no thank you for charging me RM50 for the treatment. My flu is getting worst now!

LOST

2010-07-31T00:22:00.002+08:00

It is not easy to mend pieces of broken heart.
It is not that easy to get back what we have lost.

And so as the days now not exactly happening as how I had few months ago… maybe years ago, I still hope that it won’t bring much harm than what I have already had.

The youngest left undesirable

2010-07-21T13:52:00.002+08:00

After years of having such a fun time together, now the three of us leading to different places. I was sitting there in my room, leaning against the solid bed-frame. I was staring to the ray of light slipping through the window-pane and I see the moving of trees reflecting to the wall in my room. Suddenly, a thought of losing everything came torturing my brain. The Whys, what's and how's matters burst into my head while I am still dying to find the best of me to ever form moments of cheerfulness. The challenging part is to prioritize the closed one in every event of life, whereas I am not well understood of what they wanting in life… more like, from me.

Mom told me, I closed to her since I was a child. Mom has successfully fully-breastfeeding me till I was 7. Yes, I am! That's the root of greediness I am having now. That's the sign that I fear to have another sibling after me. But that's not really real. The relationship between mom and dad had actually has lost its spark long before that. I shall not be telling the history of fighting and struggling as a youngster of most women. But I can tell, some hurts and most of all I had deal with interestingly exciting things. Besides of crying and whining… I know that sometimes I snapped. I went crazy and feeling hopeless, but still… that weariness somehow helps me to stand. Of all the things I do never a second to disappoint my sisters and mom. Even when I slipped, I know that was only because things happened against the rules. I deserved to be punished. After years of blaming others and said faith didn't give me good, I watch dad is trying to get up and re-assemble the pieces, while mom is still taking the past as an absolute mistake she could never mend. It is hard to ignore what had happened in front of eyes, and it is totally hard to forget what has been done. I've been there since like forever and until now, I am still seeking this one I call belief.

If I can ever witness the greatest happiness in life, I wanted to see the huge smile ever glow on my sisters and mom's faces. Yeah maybe dad's too. But I preferably see them with the one whom they can cling onto for the rest of their life. I wish to see mom with the real man… it was years before, when I was carrying my backpack and walked 4 miles to school, when I don't have enough money to buy new clothes or shoes, when I have to work at the stall during weekend, when I really need computers and explore the world of internet in the era of my friends have enough monies to enter cyber café anytime they want. That was the time when I feel like I really need the real dad to keep us straight.

But then, I was totally wrong! Who needs a man when I manage to be better than them to fix the pieces?

What we're having now may not up to what's mom always expect for, yet I am glad she doesn't left us starving even for a second. As she swore she will never be hurt again, and so she is making sure the daughters will find a better ways to stand up again, and not to be rejected / betrayed / HURT. Whoever said my mom is the fiercest one, they didn't understand the skills of good parenting. They are not even ready to be a mom / dad. They didn't know how to avoid from inventing such spoiled brats. I rather to have 100 like moms in this world rather than the only ONE who only know to say yes to their children!

I guess that, I made mom satisfied quite well up to this time… and as my both sisters now is having their own direction to build up their own family, I think it is time for me to stand up on my own feet back again. I cannot ask them to drive me to the desired places most of the time, I cannot ask them to re-new my license/insurance when I don't have time to do so, I cannot ask them to accompany me to every interviews, I cannot simply ask them to the mall to get my cheap jeans / the limited edition of C&K Shoes, I cannot let them tidy up my room / expect them to do all the laundry. I started to learn the border line I have agitated before… and I believe, this is what I am having now after being pampered quite mostly before… so I left alone and feeling completely lonely.

My sister asked me if I ever happy seeing them married. Are you kidding me? I have been the happiest person ever! Because I know, they have found what love means.

…And I promise to myself, I never write again if love does not exist.

THE PAIN IS ONLY A PROJECTION

2010-07-19T22:40:00.001+08:00

I just had a fun time with Jeed on Saturday and watched INCEPTION! I’m not sure if my brain is not up to that level of great hallucination / I just don’t really understood why Saito and Cobb still stuck in the dream?! Ok fine, what they actually fighting for? Why exactly suddenly Fisher appeared in the scene? Ohhhh I need to watch it again!

By Sunday, I got stuck in bed, whining and crying over my stomach pain. I’m not sure should I just say that I hate it when it came to the once in a month time thingy… I must say, it is one of the things that I really scared of. It hurts like I am carrying a virus that won’t make me comfortably sleep even for a second. I will spend the first whole day with crying and curling myself in bed! Ironically, up till now, there are no such drugs that can really heal this pain. (maybe I have yet to find the real best medicine) but I have tried many pills, it just won’t work with me!

The pain won’t get better until Monday, and no I am not going to get an MC again. I shall not be pampered with the same sickness which more likely challenging me every months. I get up and go to work. I was 30 minutes late than the actual time. Once I got myself be seated and just about to have my cup of hot Nescafe, my adrenaline stop! I didn’t feel so much pain at my lower back, and my stomach pain suddenly dissapeared! But then… I started feel dizzy, and started throwing up. There you go… I wish the adrenaline could stop much longer… it only happened for about 5 minutes… and the pain has increased!

Now I am having a low blood pressure again!

Monday blues? Monday sick!

If it is not because I have promised someone that I will get everything done by today, I won’t be here working with heavy-head and a hiccup. Guess what… nothing much I can really do today anyway!

I should be sleeping by now!

Good night!

100 things to get a healthy life

2010-07-16T20:25:00.000+08:00

In the middle of this busy time, and I manage to do this? Blogging?

I got this from Razip via IM. He sent me the URL, and I found that it is something very cool to share. At least... i realize how healthy my life has been until now?

Eat a healthy meal.
Keep a secret.
~~Send a thank-you note.~~
Give away half of your clothes.
Hike a new trail.
~~Offer an apology.~~
~~Recycle.~~
Refrain from gossip.
~~Write a poem.~~
Refuse to do a thing which is wrong.
Pick strawberries.
Overcome an addiction.
~~Ride bike with a 7-year old.~~
Kiss your spouse.
Give a nice wedding gift.
~~Bring fresh flowers into your home.~~
~~Exercise.~~
Read To Kill a Mockingbird.
Subscribe to Zen Habits.
~~Call an old friend.~~
Forgive a past hurt.
~~Take a day off.~~
~~Visit the beach.~~
Cultivate spirituality.
~~Say “thank-you.”~~
~~Take a picture.~~
~~Find a job you love.~~
Retell a funny joke.
~~Develop more patience.~~
~~Hand write a letter.~~
~~Order dessert on a date.~~
~~Say “I love you.”~~
~~Take the stairs.~~
Have a tea party with your daughter.
~~Tip generously.~~
~~Ask a grandparent about their childhood.~~
Stop a scandal.
~~Take a hot bath.~~
~~Drink a glass of water.~~
Become an early-riser.
~~Wave to a child.~~
~~Say a prayer.~~
Learn your mail carrier’s name.
~~Smile~~.
Find your passion.
Get a routine check-up.
~~Donate to charity.~~
Encourage a teenager.
~~Be optimistic.~~
~~Learn to cook.~~
~~Turn off the television~~.
Add ribbon to a present.
~~Pay for someone’s drink.~~
Remove unnecessary possessions.
Visit an art museum.
~~Laugh at yourself.~~
~~Learn a second language.~~
~~Stay faithful to your partner.~~
~~Buy local produce.~~
Withhold a lie.
Meditate.
~~Break up a fight.~~
~~Meet your neighbors.~~
~~Rock a baby to sleep.~~
Practice yoga.
~~Know your child’s friends.~~
Log off the internet.
Get out of debt.
Save money.
~~Hear both sides of an argument.~~
~~Get your next book from the library.~~
~~Show kindness to the elderly.~~
Identify your values.
~~Eat outside.~~
Be more grateful.
~~Appreciate classical music.~~
~~Don’t send e-mails in anger.~~
Dry your clothes on a clothesline.
~~Compliment a stranger.~~
~~Increase your self-confidence.~~
Buy lemonade from a child’s stand.
~~Bring your lunch to work.~~
~~Clean the kitchen.~~
Give up soda.
~~Get trained in CPR.~~
~~De-clutter a drawer.~~
~~Eat like the locals.~~
~~Listen.~~
~~Do your homework.~~
Help a boy or girl find themselves.
~~Have breakfast.~~
Look people in the eye when you speak.
~~Look people in the eye when they speak.~~
~~Make a new friend.~~
Build a sand castle.
~~Share a recipe.~~
Provide clean drinking water.
Worry less.
~~Read to a small child.~~
Become a minimalist.

Will update this more later....

MAN AND BALL

2010-07-13T10:52:00.000+08:00

Finally the world cup has finally ended. I can start poking my man back again.

I can tell it has been dreadful days for the past few weeks.

Do I really hate football or what?

SOMETHING I ADORE

2010-07-10T11:02:00.000+08:00

The best piece i love the most! The charmed one!

---

2010-07-07T18:06:00.000+08:00

Muka ketat menyiapkan kerja last minute

p/s: Lucky i have my new glasses

AGE IS WHAT MATTERS THE MOST

2010-07-06T21:04:00.003+08:00

It has been ages I have been looking for a perfect answer to my question, especially about going through the hurdle of relationship. It is not really a hurdle but more like a risk… err not! I guess it is more like a ermmm challenges. Yes, a challenge!

I went out with Nabel last week. I manage to force her to accompany me to Subang and wonders around Sunway City until 5 in evening. She was the friend whom I can cling onto for the very last minute favor. I have no doubt about that! And so we never stop talking even when we had like a buffet of lunch which seems a bit big amount of dishes for two!

Somewhere there I have being the real me, walking with a friend under the heat of the sun, talking something I have concealed from others before. Suddenly I feel like "being a mad hatter" for a day somewhat making me confident expressing what’s cannot be letting out before. And Nabel being as the way she always be, honest with her words, even it hurts for couple of seconds. That was the time when she gave me the truth about relationship which I never had from anyone before.

Who said that age is not matters?!

Nabel: How old is he?
Me: He is 3 years older than me
Nabel: 30? Huh… No Wonder lah!
Me: What?
Nabel : You know what, what you’re having now with a 30 years man, is normal. Man they’re care less about love / relationship when he is 30. He already had all that hecky pecky thing years before. He can be sweet and mean at the same time. You don’t hope… but he can surprise you well. He just need a time to do that by his own, and not a time to be asked to do that. So you don’t need to feel sad / frustrated / loathe. He is with the fact, 30 yrs old man is like that. He thinks you can do everything by yourself, without his assistant. That’s for sure. Tak payahlah kacau masa kerja dia. He hates that.

(GULP!)

I took all her words into a simple conclusion. He is a moody sometimes. Okay maybe I have being obviously moody all this while, but that’s normal for a woman NOT a man.

Okay nabel, have I just made a wrong conclusion? Cause he is still giving the silence treatment to me now! Oh yeah, I am slowing down the process by keeping myself hidden in a box. ( T_T )

Oh crap, I miss Jeed... my long lost dakofter!

ME = INTERNET

2010-06-25T20:46:00.001+08:00

I am well known to be the one who cannot sit still without connecting to the virtual world. Growing up in era of everyone-knows-internet-could-kill-the-loneliness totally made me looks like a computer freak. The day when I was in hospital, I even asked my sister to bring the laptop for me, and when mom started giving that big stare, I said, never mind, I can connect to the world via my ROKR. And that is how I can’t force my fingers to stop clicking the touch screen. I have everything installed… I can just click and connect. And by the end of the month, I got myself caught up in the midst of economy crisis. Hayaahhhh!

Since I have been working quite a lot with computers, somehow I found some difficulties when I have to start writing on papers. My handwriting became uglier every day. I can’t even read back what I have written. My poor short-hand writing is more like curves and line on papers. It didn’t interpret anything at all! Funny when I have to submit a manual forms and they can’t read my details. I usually ask.. “do you have a soft-copy for this thing?”. It will make my life easier.

The reason why I spent most of my time a lot browsing the internet because I think I found many solutions and thoughts. Updating status in facebook and twitter now has become a routine, and I think sometimes I shared too many things with the strangers. My sisters said, there were ugly people there in the virtual world, there prefer to brag about everything and no one being loyal. So, I think I have become one of them. And I snapped!

Jeed is right, that is why he doesn’t really adore living virtually. Even he used to write such lovely e-mails to me years ago and chatting via IM, trust me, he found that is not really brings such enthusiasm. He a good writer tho! I remember the first time when he said he made a blog and I was so excited to read… even he didn’t mention most about our relationship, but the truth he cares a lot about the other world was mind-boggling. Then he stops. He made less than 5 entries to complete a blog. I hate it, cause I can’t read his thought since then. He even refused to actively involve in Facebook! (you are dull dude! :P)

I write a lot, I write in different ways. I don’t have a specific genre of stories. I made bold statements, including any likes and frustration. There’s the time I wish Jeed could read everything I write so he can at least get a clear picture of what bugging me all this while, what I wants and what I hate. Most the time I want my friends to understand that I seat here and I thinking about them. I even hope that mom should know the love I was expressing to the world about how much I love her the whole time. Blog is where I overtly illustrate my life and thoughts.

And yeah, ironically, I also use internet as a root to stalk others. I got lots of unexpected results. Something I wish it didn’t even publish, something gross, surprises and etc. that is how internet works, It helps me find answers quick and easy. I don’t even need to run CALC, I just type a formula in Google and it returns me an accurate numbers.

And so I feel like internet is the real friend of mine! Funny right?!

Ohh… crap, I miss jeed!

I SICK & WEAK & THINKING ABOUT DEATH

2010-06-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

I’ve got to say that having a long break and staying at home while knowing that you can only lying on bed and being drugged every 5 hours is totally not a treats I was longing for. Even when the horoscope said I will have many surprises coming through the month, I thought the one where I have diagnosed with a viral fever is truly a surprise. Even though it supposed not to be a high risk illness, but to be there in the cycle of being sick and weak totally a disaster for me.

Funny when I even had a thought that I will die soon and frustrated enough that haven’t got married…yet CRAZY!

REST IN PEACE

2010-06-01T01:34:00.000+08:00

I don’t know how to begin this. But I am definitely feel a bit relief after 5 days off straight from last Friday… Kapow! When exactly the last time I had this kind of chance to be tremendously pampered… ? It was like an excellent achievement, to just stay at home… and most the time in bed.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have many plans in schedule. To be frank it ain’t that good to just doing nothing. Even I have tried many things to fight the loneliness… still the sound of “all by myself” and “the blower’s daughter” keep repeating in my head, somehow it brought me to tears when I started singing the lines… there it goes, another drama on the hot sunny day. I was trapped in this dark room cuddling a pillow and wrapping myself under the blanket… I was sweating badly!

But it doesn’t matter… I just need to heal the pain.

The saddest part, is when I woke up, and I didn’t feel much better than before. I’m not sure it is either my heart been broken or my head is just not ready for negotiation. I have a bulky of problems which I’m not sure how to resolve the matters and going back to sleep in peace. I end up went to bed in mad… fighting with my own emotion… and later on, it only lead me to the bad dream.

What exactly is happening? Which levels have my self-esteem sinking to? Have I serve the ego enough to get all the blames backfire to me again? Or am I just playing like a kid, childish enough to beg for forgiveness…? No… not exactly for forgiveness but for attention… (am I just being a denial?)

My friend is right, I can wait for 10 years if I want, but will the other side waits? For the time like this, it is neither scarification nor passion that matters the most, it is what hidden between the two people. How to measure the loves and honesty when both of the party didn’t talk well in conversation? And can we find a perfect deal to bring the relationship up to another level. Then, someone needs to sacrifice. The question is how… and when?

Owhh I am all stressed out. In time like this, I have lost everything… I don’t feel I have number of friends whom I can turn to, I can’t talk about this with mom and sis, they will never understand, in fact they have more big issues to run into… mine, me is just a small part of unfortunate story. Yes, I can get this thing right. What? I don’t deserve a shoulder to cry on?

…and if I still can’t heal the pain, will I die soon???

Urghhh enough of these drugs… I am making such a drama!!!

MOM'S DAY

2010-05-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Mother

Surprised her with the gifts
Accompanied her to Nilai 3 to get new table-cloth
Having lunch at Equestrian Club Putrajaya
... still looking for another plan after cannot taking her to Cameron Highland... (errrr)

THE ARTWORKS OF SPEEDPAINTINGS

2010-05-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

I make believe that ARTS can really heal the emptiness. By some chance, I first notice about Nico was when I found a link posted by nuhaa on facebook. It was the speed-painting drawing of Megan Fox. I thought it is just like a piece of photoshop tricks… but Hell no! I watched the video and immediately search throughout Google about the guy. Oh My what a talent he is having duhhh… ! the details on every inch of the drawings, the color blending, how he can suit every drawings with emotion and sincerity. It is rare to find it in any photos nowadays, even when they shot the photos using the most expensive lenses in the world. Somehow, we missed what they’ve focus before the shutter closed.

NICO totally a master! He is not only an illustrator, he is a magician! How can we drew something like he did in such a short time and didn’t miss every details of the photo? I wish I could have a gift something like he had. At least, to make myself busy and happy…

So I don’t need to think about other things that keeps me dying inside…

SHUTTLECOCK MADE IN CHINA?

2010-05-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

THOMAS & UBER cup season has ended. I am frustrated enough after being so obsessively passionate watching MSIA team lost in the game. 1st they lost to Japan, and I would say it is miracle if they can beat the CHINA team this time. They didn’t play much better than everyone have expected.

Anyway, the game has ended. It has been a week, I have spent my evening time in front of the TV, leaving office sharp at 5 everyday, been actively updating my FB status and tweet most about the games, and I even joined the #thomascup in twitter. It was all about the #thomascup. Some of my friends have started playing badminton after work. (ohh yeah when the season has started you guys suddenly being so passionate. Years ago, when I ask you guys to join me, senyap jek, let see how long they’re going to keep up the routine). Oppss teremosi pulak.

Of cos I am being quite emotional nowadays. Even jeed is not allowed to call me while I was watching the games, and so was not allowed to make any reviews due to the bad performances of MSIA team. I am the fan till death. Even when they have lost so many times, I am still seeking for another hope in 2012.

The best thing is… I am having the same interest with mom. Both of us love the game. But after Thomascup, she is back to watch tennis, which is I am so-so somewhat like to watch, but mostly fall asleep before the game end.

WE CAN'T STOP COMPLAINING

2010-05-08T10:45:00.000+08:00

The reason why I have time in bed is only when I got really sleepy and tired, and knowing I must at least had a sleep for 5 hours before going to work on the next. Who says being in a government sector is easy? Everything needs to be handled carefully, intelligently make financial arrangements, risking our thoughts and time for somewhat we can’t even predict the future but we must make it potentially worthier! It is never about you suck you will get sacked… but it is about having a good brain you won’t be drained.

I must say, I won’t judge my current career quite like jeopardy. Even when I say, I have no choice but to stay put till I get my retirement fund. I just have to ignore every single e-mail I got from LINA offering me of numerous vacancies. But when I found that I’ve been working my ass out every day while others come late and went home earlier and there’s not much different of numbers written in our pay-check, I got snap! I am not demanding for a better return, but in this case of working from morning till night for the sake of economic and sociology up hold (*like besar sangatkah contribution aku itu!*) and forcing people to play hard to get a better experience and said… “kerja kena ikhlas…” I just thought that not getting a bonus by the end of the year is just a so-called a mean motivation.

I don’t need to complaint more on the welfare… everyone knows. You play a good role, you can have better needs. It is a high-demanding era nowadays, thus, we can complaint, but more questions left to be concerned. We watch TV, reading papers; we can see the same shits happening every day. How awful our people have been polluted with such a brainless behavior. . It is like we are living in war zone, where people can take up their M16 and shelling others. Even when you are innocent, there’ll be a nasty maneuver by media… they said you are a killer while you happened to make a self-defense. Highlights said there’s a huge increasing in economic growth, but we still can see many poor people living in misery. What is the best so far that we have actually contributed to our country?… we didn’t do anything much but COMPLAINING…That’s for sure.

And so I am still being paranoid at my own place… where everyone said, it is good enough living in a safe zone… whereas I feel like someone has actually spying on me. I am being a complete hypocrite. I said things I never thought of talking… I do things I love but most of people don’t. I wore dresses and heels but people said, I do that because I want to be noticed. I refused some of the commands with reasons and they say I just too spoilt to have everything in a good shape. When I was damn busy taking over other’s job, some say I just want to please the boss (*WTF*). I might come out with a list of things I hate most about a typical government people, which may includes some of my stupid mistakes. And as the list is growing, I found that I am giving such humiliation to myself. I stop. I just have to stop complaining to cut these craps out.

Stop whining about being busy, it is not me who is officially rules the world. Stop blaming others, sometimes they just being stupid to be good. Stop expecting for great things, I am not good enough to get all the fortune.

Have I complaining too much? (ohhhh) And so… I am counting my days to be retired, which is like in 30 plus years more in future (*Ya ALLAH*). I want to stay at home and taking care of my babies, living near the beach. I want to see sun-rise… and I want to see a sun-set where Jeed and I first have together.

HEART-SHAPED BOX

2010-04-26T22:47:00.000+08:00

The excitement of being love is when you always think about the love one and when you feel like someone is putting lots of concern on you. Having a moment of pre-organizing future with him/her and mostly talking about the same thing every day. Reassure you giving out the best to save the relationship by telling promises no one will get hurt, you will live happily ever after. You just got blinded by love… you have been poisoned by love.

There are many chances in life, I could just brag about my boyfriend to everyone by presenting whatsoever I have experienced while having a relationship with him. BUT, I may not a kind of person who is quite charming by doing so… sometime; I am too shy to be out in the open, and to tag my boyfriend along in the boat of love would be quite distressing especially when he is not the type of man to let somebody see how lovable he is but to myself.

He is a one of the kind for sure, (of cause I will say good things about him). Still, making surprises not the best thing he can do, but he can totally fix me just by a making a gesture. I could die staring to his eyes!!! (*drooling*). There was once/twice he may not knowing what he’s been doing, or unintentionally said things I rather not to hear, or when he started become quiet, I just give him spaces to be rational back again. That’s what we always do when something turns out bad between us, we didn’t quarrel or creating such a drama. I know, keeping quiet is not really one of a good way out, but so far, we end up loving each other after suffering such separation / a disappointment communication. It taught us to miss each other… passionately!

Guys may not realize how to re-act in order to indulge woman for every time in any situation. I don't always expect much from him (even i did once/twice), but thankful enough for having him as a lover and soon to complete my life for being the perfect better-half! The reason I am still here is because I have promise to myself..."saya mahu jadi tulang yang satu itu untuk lengkapkan hidup kamu"!

27th of April 2010. Happy birthday Jeed! You know that I won’t find any other man once I got you! PERIOD!

BUSY WEEK, WEAK BODY

2010-04-21T00:47:00.000+08:00

Seriously... it started to be a busy week for me. No, I am not pretty busy organizing my sister’s pre-big event. No, I am not pretty busy with papers and reports. But my head is almost explode after getting more inputs to complete the systems. Boss keep chasing me to keep up the work and drag the timeline earlier than what has been planned.

“How can I complete my task fast if I have been asked to join more meetings and training at the same time”

And yes, I am now having my 1 week training in KL. This is just the first day being apart from mom, and I am homesick like CRAZY! I miss mother!

I am back being a student for a week and will be seating an exam a week later. How shall I be prepared?

BTW… have anyone watched the shutter island? That’s the other reason why I got my head all in pain! I just keep wondering which one is real? Why there was so many figment of the imagination involved? Haven’t I got the message correctly? Why the woman wrote “RUN” on his book? Why he lost his ciggers at the beginning? How on earth does Rachel ever survived in the cave?

Demn! I need to get back to my work… and my eyes turn red now!

* if i can ever eat mommy's cooks right at this moment! now! Urghhh....

GIRL'S DAY OUT

2010-04-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

(Have yet to come out with the story, will update the story sooner.)

I DROVE 120kmph WITH FLAT TYRE

2010-04-08T23:18:00.002+08:00

It was a nice and peaceful morning. I was driving and turn up the radio's volume to the max (as usual) because I want to drive and ignoring the sound of engines and traffics. It was a smooth journey till I almost reach Putrajaya... and I felt something was not right. I slow down and suddenly lost control... my car swerved to the left... and suddenly noticed that my tyre just got burst! DON'T PANIC DON'T PANIC (I have repeatedly telling myself that)

What a test to start my day. When I parked my car at the side of the road, I just stand there staring at my flat tyre... I knew, at that time, people are rushing to work and they won't even care of stopping by to help me out. So I called any gentleman whom I may get a help from. Thank you to encik 'Arif for your kind help. You are really a hero of the day for the damsel in distress!!

After cleaning out the mess, the next task is to find the replacement tyre. Seriously, finding car's part is even distressing. I’ve been here and there to find a thing that could fit the 16’ rim with the name of continental, to be details I am looking for something that could fit the 195/50 where most of shop they have 45 with 15 inch. And if I insist want the continental, I have to wait till evening. When it come to the pricing… they stab me hard by naming the number close to 300! Crazy! In a hot weather… and I can feel the intense hot sun burning down my brain… I just wish I could scream my lung out whining WHY WHY WHY it happened to me in the middle of time like this!? Aku belum gaji lagi!

Hours later, I manage to comprehend. It’s already happened, I should be thankful that I didn’t hit any cars during the incident. And it is more luckily some people managed to lend me a hand to get over the mess. I got my new tyre, it properly installed by 1pm and back to office with heavy head (Thank you zain). Once I reached office, I have canceled my appointment with Suen this evening. I couldn’t bear the pain!

I got home, and straightly went to bed and pay no attention to what had happened today.

HELLO SHOESSSS!

2010-04-02T21:14:00.002+08:00

They said, “If the shoes fit, just buy it!” in my case, I may consider color and comfort the most. I don’t care if it is 5 inches tall, as long as it meant for walking, I’ll go swinging my feet!

I spend hours at PWTC for the sake of the shoe festival. No, I wasn’t purposely going there for the sake of meeting Jimmy Choo or drooling over his expensive shoes… I went there for the sake of a shoe-lover! ME!

It is not really a big event, as how I thought it would be. Well, here in Malaysia, even when you advertise event/carnival with sales UP to 80% discount, many of items are actually not that cheap (as what you’ve expected). Jimmy Choo has been the main attraction of the event for sure. He got this giant stage at the center of the hall, with long and huge purple curtain wrapping the area to create a semi-curve, glasses box and antic chair, just to showcase his RM350,000.00 shoes! (WTF) who actually buying those shoes? Shoes fetish? Even when I have stacks of money in bank, I don’t think buying a 350,000.00 RM would ever made me so proud for having a Jimmy Choo shoe! Sometimes it made me realized, paying shoes for hundreds thousand dollars = paying the brand… and you confuse either you want to brag about having Jimmy Choo or prada., or because you feel it giving you confidence and beauty, while others can get cheaper than that for the same heck of design? (and when you walk around, people noticing your Prada/Jimmy Choo, and say… “Alah petaling street jek tu!”)

After taking hours of wondering around the hall neither Jimmy Choo’s nor Bill Keith’s really has bugging me to decide which one to buy. My goal was to find a nice stylish boot for myself (an ankle boot would be just fine). It is hard to pick, since most of them are in black (oh my! I have numbers of black shoes in my rack). But when I saw this beauty, the sleek design with zip and strap,

I fell in love immediately! So I grab! It is not too expensive anyway.

You can get many sizes of shoes, different kind of designs, rainbow colors to choose, from flat to high heels, from sneakers to boots! I could end up sleeping over and still confuse which one should I take home.

Thank god, I manage to make a safe escape with two bags in my hand. And thank god, I didn’t use the credit card this time!